It’s typical. So normal now. Even expected.
I spend the first few minutes of every day fighting an internal battle that just keeps rising with the sun. Deciding if I am going to do or not do what I know I need to do or not do because, well, I’m just not feelin’ it.
2020 has ruined my routine, my habits, my attitude and even my love for some humans. There . . . I said it. And just for full disclosure, there are moments I wonder if 2020 just might ruin me.
I don’t recognize the battles taking place in my heart. I don’t always feel like doing the things I once lived for. I don’t feel like reaching out to my neighbors like I was so desperate to do in March of this year. Everything from the pandemic to the political climate to so many soul-filling things just all together coming to a hard stop has birthed such a fog that I now waste time wondering how in the world we got here and what in the world it will take to emerge.
It’s gotten easier, too, to rationalize the strange and unfamiliar feelings and to justify my disgruntlement and complacency.
Maybe you can relate?
But — and I use the word “but” in the most forceful of ways — in the midst of it all, God continues to reach me in the most personal ways and has pushed me to soul search and dig deep. Deeper still.
In the Bible, Jeremiah talks about how blessed a person is when they have deep spiritual roots. I get that better now. I had to go digging a bit, but those roots are indeed there and only because they are, have I had any hope of bearing fruit in a very dry and “off” season.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to make myself, force myself, to remember who God is and to recenter my soul . . . over and over and over again.
And it has been hard.
I was wrong in my predictions for how all of this would go. Nothing about 2020 has “worked” the way I envisioned.
My pride has been hurt.
My finances have taken a hit.
My identity as a speaker has been all but wiped.
My mothering skills have been beyond challenged.
The skin on my face is even showing the signs of mask wearing for crying out loud!
But “hard” is not the same thing as “bad.” Maybe this year has been exactly what I need?
I posted a verse on Facebook yesterday, reminding myself and others to capture every thought and make them obedient to Christ. In other words, to CHOOSE to strip my mind of the dark, defeating, negative thoughts that threaten to consume and to replace them with the light, victorious, positive and loving truths of Jesus.
How quickly everything changes.
A dear friend commented on that post, citing a quote I’d never heard: “You can’t keep the birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from making a nest in your hair.” Love that.
So, while today I don’t feel like doing all. the. things, I will do them anyway.
The Bible will be opened.
The worship music will play.
My family, employees and community will be served.
The kingdom of God will be advanced.
2020 will not have me. My roots are deep and by God’s grace, I will determine to believe truth and to act in obedience by faith. I will choose to set my feelings aside and look to the ONE who never changes, who is still so unbelievably good and to trust God’s faithfulness in all things.
Even in the year 2020.
Copyright © 2020 by Jaclyn Rowe @lifeinprogressministries.org . Used with permission. No part of this article may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from Lifeword.org.