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Aug 10, 2025 06:00am

The Day My Cross Didn’t Match My Heart

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I gave in, and I did it proudly.

The kids and I were swimming at a pool, where it was relatively calm and laid-back. Then my friend pointed out a long line outside the pool—a very long line of people waiting to come in. Upon closer inspection, I noticed something. These people looked, well, not like me.

Almost immediately, I thought, “Are you kidding?” There went my relaxing time at the pool! Just wait till all of those kids arrive—my kids will be lost in an overflowing sea of floaties! Indignation filled me. Just when you’re having a good time…

Why are they here? So late in the day?

Upon questioning the lifeguard, I found out. It was a Free Swim from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. All of a sudden, when the clock struck 4, the dam broke, and they streamed in quickly. Moms, dads, kids, families, tweens—all those wanting their chance to swim for free. I sat staring at all of them, scanning them up and down. Silently scoffing. Silently judging.

The kids’ areas became flooded with kids, and I became a little nervous trying to keep my eye on the boys (one still learning to swim). And I grew more resentful.

It was a blessing for all those who came, and yet I judged them for it.

And the ironic thing was this: They were having a great time while I was having my grumpy, one-person party. However, I wasn’t content to be alone—I had to bring others into my feelings of indignation. After leaving the pool cranky and irritated, I vented to my husband. I even joked about it later with friends.

Then came the conviction.

It was as if Jesus was whispering in my ear, “Those are the people whom I came for, lived among, and died for… yet you scoff at them?”

Gulp.

Then, I was reminded of a picture of myself at the pool. There I was, standing there, watching my kids, staring at those arriving for the Free Swim with a big fat scowl on my face… wearing a cross around my neck.

Oh, the hypocrisy.

If Jesus were walking among us that day, I am reasonably sure He would be at the Free Swim, because there’s something about being needy in life that brings you a humility that Jesus adored.

Proverbs 11:2 is a great illustration of what I was feeling at that moment: “Pride leads only to shame; it is wise to be humble.”

To say I was ashamed of my thoughts and words is an understatement. The Message words this verse differently: “The stuck-up fall flat on their faces, but down-to-earth people stand firm.”

This stuck-up girl felt like she had fallen flat on her face. You see, my mouth was not the sole conspirator. My mind had to think of it first before my mouth gave birth to it. Here’s the kicker: Growing up, our family struggled financially. Our back-to-school clothes consisted of hand-me-downs from friends, rummage sale finds, and Wal-Mart Red Light specials. We grew up on welfare and free lunches. Of all of the things I would accuse myself of, being prideful would never have been on my list… and yet, here I am.

This conviction fueled my repentance and my prayers: “God, sanctify my mind, body, soul, spirit, and mouth!”

It was during this time that the Lord directed me to another guy who needed some sanctification: the prophet Isaiah. You see, this man saw God! (Can you imagine?) He described the Lord as high and exalted, seated upon a throne, and the train of His robe filled the temple. He observed how the angels called seraphim flew around God as they covered their eyes because His glory and light were too holy to gaze upon.

As Isaiah gazed at God’s absolute holiness, he felt convicted. “Woe to me! I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”

Isaiah and I had something in common: when conviction comes, it hits hard. Me too, Isaiah. Me too.

Then, something beautiful happens in this story. One of the seraphim flew to Isaiah with a live, burning coal in his hand, which he took from the smoking altar of God. With it, he touched Isaiah’s mouth, saying,

“See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for.”

A live burning coal. Oh, how many times in my life have I been reminded that I needed a live coal for my unclean lips!

And here’s the best part: Isaiah’s story wasn’t over yet. God wasn’t done with him. After being touched with a live coal, Isaiah heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

Immediately, Isaiah said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Isaiah, a man of unclean lips, was forgiven and redeemed by God. As a prophet and mouthpiece of God, Isaiah would now use those lips to glorify God. This is the power of sanctification. Dear brothers and sisters, may we not shy away when God shines His light on our sin. It’s an act of loving kindness that God shows us where we are falling short. Accept His live coal and allow Him to cleanse you in that broken moment. It’s when we experience God in such a way that we too proclaim His goodness and shine our lights for Him—even at a 4 o’clock Free Swim.

Oh, send me, Father, send me.