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Sep 10, 2024 18:00pm

Letters to My Children: When to Date (Part 2)

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To My Children:

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Song of Solomon 8:4

You are wondering when you might be ready to start dating. Although there is no set time, and I do not have an official age when you can begin, I would still say you are not ready if you have not matured in three different areas.

First, there is physical maturity. Very simply, this means your age. In most of the United States, you cannot legally marry until age eighteen (in some states you must be even older!). Some states will allow sixteen- or seventeen-year-olds to marry with parental consent, but many states have outlawed the marriage of minors. If you are eleven, twelve, even fifteen or sixteen, it is simply not reasonable to say you would be able to get married soon in our culture. And if you are not close to being of age to marry, there is no reason for you to date, as I wrote in my first letter.

Second, there is practical maturity. If you were to get married soon, or even just live on your own, would you be able to do the things necessary to care for yourself and your household? Do you make enough money to pay for your food, housing, utilities, phone, insurance, vehicle, gas, clothing, and household necessities? Do you know how to make a budget and stick to it? Can you make basic meals? Do you know how to do dishes, laundry, and generally clean up after yourself? Or are your parents still having to tell you to clean your room or do your laundry (or even worse, are they still doing your laundry for you)? Until you are able to do these basic things of adulthood, you are not ready to begin a dating relationship.

And lastly, but probably most importantly, there is spiritual maturity. Have you taken ownership of your relationship with God instead of hanging by the coattails of your parent’s faith? This would look like not leaning on your parents to tell you to read your Bible or pray but being proactive and disciplined in your private devotional life; it would look like not going to church or volunteering just because your parents make you but attending Bible studies and fellowship opportunities and serving in ministries with a joyful, willing attitude. You do not have to be perfect or legalistic in these areas, but are you taking initiative and responsibility with these things?

Are you making wise choices on your own, or do you still need a pedagogue? In ancient Roman culture, a pedagogue was someone charged with the task of making sure a young boy did what he was supposed to do, went where he was supposed to go, and made wise moral choices along the way. He would essentially teach the boy discipline, good manners, and keep him out of trouble until he became an adult. If you still need someone telling you to do what is right and babysitting your moral decisions, then you are not spiritually mature enough to begin a dating relationship.

And finally, by way of spiritual maturity, how do you view the opposite sex? Do you treat young men as brothers and young women as sisters, in all purity? Do you see them the way the Bible describes them, as co-heirs of the grace of life and image-bearers of the holy God, or are they just a pretty face or a handsome body—someone to satisfy your desire for pleasure or boost your ego or sense of security? Boys, are you ready to love one woman for the rest of your life as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her? Girls, are you ready to belong to one man and submit to him willingly and joyfully the way the church submits to Christ?

Marriage is a picture of the gospel, and until you see it as such—that its main purpose is not to gratify your desires or even meet your needs, but that you are laying down your will for the good of another—then, my dear children, it is not the right time to date.

I love you. Grow in godliness and in your love for God.