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Feb 04, 2025 18:00pm

Letters to My Children: Behavior in a Relationship

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To My Children,

I wrote to you previously about when is the right time to date—or pursue someone in friendship with the purposeful intent of looking for a future spouse. When you have examined the criteria and determined the time is right, and you find someone you are interested in considering as a future spouse, how should you act around them? There are a few things I want you to consider. They are guidelines that will help your relationship grow in godliness.

First, how does your behavior around this person make others feel? Are the two of you so inward focused that you turn your back on other people in your life? Do your friends or family constantly feel like the third wheel or isolated when hanging out with you? Try not to be so focused on each other that it makes other people feel invisible or left out. Eventually, if the two of you end up getting married, you will become a singular unit. But until then, you should wait to have the privileges that come with marriage, such as exclusivity and physical intimacy.

Second, in your interactions with one another, are you acting in such a way that would protect a future friendship? What I mean is, if the two of you don’t end up together, would your current behavior allow you to still be friends later? Or at least be polite and kind to each other? Or would your actions lead to nothing but broken hearts and bitter feelings if you don’t work out?

Third, is the physical behavior you’re displaying toward each other such that if you didn’t end up together, you would feel comfortable telling your future spouse what you did? Would your future spouse potentially be hurt or upset if they heard about it? We should want to be above reproach in our actions. “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:3–5). If Jesus were physically standing next to the two of you, would he be pleased with your behavior? He sees everything we say and do.

Lastly, Paul gives instructions to Timothy on how to conduct himself around different types of people (1 Timothy 5:1–2). For young women, Paul tells him to treat them as sisters, in all purity. Whether you are a man or a woman, you should treat young men and women as brothers and sisters. No, I’m not asking you to think of your actual brother or sister in a romantic way, but that’s kind of the point—if you would feel uncomfortable acting that way toward your sibling, then Paul says don’t do it. Until that person is your spouse, you should behave toward them in a way that is pure and above reproach, without any hint of sexual immorality (Ephesians 5:3).

Remember, God’s guidelines are good, and his commandments are not burdensome. His Word is a lamp to your feet and a light to your path, to keep you from stumbling and avoid danger. If you keep your relationships within his path, it will protect you and lead you to blessing, flourishing, and peace.

I love you. Grow in godliness and in your love for God.